Shut Up and Shop!
If you’re like me, you don’t like sitting around doing nothing when there’s a war on. As much as you like lounging on the couch watching reality shows, you think that maybe there’s something else you could be doing, you know, for your country.
You and I both need to get off our duffs and take a ride…to the mall. The holidays are here and you’ll have to get gifts eventually, so plunk down the plastic in the name of peace. Have fun. Treat your friends and family. Heck, treat yourself. Buy some toys. Just don’t shoot your eye out!
For starters, check out what toy-fanciers think is this year’s “hottest” plaything: Robosapien. “A full function fast moving robot minion suitable for all your world domination needs,” says manufacturer Wow Wee on its website. It’s the perfect gift for little Rummy, Dicki, Condi, and Dubya. For a cool hundred dollars, you too (or your special someone) can have a robot designed by a NASA robotic physicist who worked on the Mars Rover.
Check it out: Robosapien is 14 inches tall, and he comes ready to perform, like, 67 pre-programmed functions, all at the push of a button on his “ergonomic” remote control. He walks, of course, but he walks with style. He talks, too, in a language his creators call “international ‘caveman’ speech”. Ok, he doesn’t exactly talk; he grunts…so he can be properly understood in, well, less civilized parts of the world – the ones we’d like to dominate.
Nonetheless, Robosapien is great to have around the house. Feeling lazy? He picks things up. Feeling violent? He does Kung-Fu. Feeling funky? He raps. Feeling rude? He belches. And, oh yes, he farts. Dominating the world can cause indigestion.
There’s no need to feel guilty about buying this precocious robot. Parenting magazines give Robosapien their enthusiastic seal of approval. Why not get it for you five-year-old? But then, why not get it for your husband, boyfriend, or your favorite fraternity-boy? After all, you can make Robosapien pick up your beer. Stave off that winter break boredom, for at least a little while: Voyeur Magazine says Robosapien is “sure to entertain for a few hours at least.” It’ll even clean up afterwards (check your manual for specifics). So why settle for something lame like a robot-dog when you can dominate the world with Robosapien?
If there’s one thing about terrorists that really irks me, it’s that they have no sense of style. They obviously never played with Barbie. Remember her? Well she’s back, this time with her very own cell phone. Barbie has voicemail! She’s perky as ever and ready to rock the toy box. There’s Kate Spade Barbie, sporting Kate Spade handbag, of course. There’s Barbie with capri pants, Barbie with camo jeans, Barbie with faux fur coat, Barbie with knee-highs and an oh-so-skimpy skirt, Barbie with an “Asian-like” print jacket (how multicultural!), and Barbie in Holiday get-up (Caucasian or African American, just to cover all the bases).
Fight the ultimate battle between good and evil with Lord of the Rings Collector’s Series action figures, featuring Birthday Bilbo and Coronation Arwen, not to mention “Gandalf the Grey with light up staff”, Treebeard “with branch lifting action”, and an armor-bedecked Pippin with “removable helmet and sword”, replete with the obligatory “sword slashing action”. But let’s not kid ourselves: what you really want is the “Deluxe Talking Gollum”. It has two “talk” buttons and two interchangeable heads, one for Gollum and one for Smeagol. Be honest with your inner selves: we wants it, we does!
Help reduce our dependence on fossil fuels: buy a Corvette C5 Power Vehicle with eco-friendly rechargeable battery. It’s supposed to be three-year-olds but you’ll fit; just squeeze yourself in and go. Pull into Haigis Mall with the top down and wave to all the cuties waiting for the B-43. For under $400 you can have that flaming red ‘vette you’ve lusted after since driver’s Ed. Be sure to allow extra travel time, though, as maximum cruising velocity is only 5 miles per hour.
Yes, there’s much to do, but as you can see, you can do a lot. This holiday season, do yourself a favor. Do your country a favor. Shut up and shop!
You and I both need to get off our duffs and take a ride…to the mall. The holidays are here and you’ll have to get gifts eventually, so plunk down the plastic in the name of peace. Have fun. Treat your friends and family. Heck, treat yourself. Buy some toys. Just don’t shoot your eye out!
For starters, check out what toy-fanciers think is this year’s “hottest” plaything: Robosapien. “A full function fast moving robot minion suitable for all your world domination needs,” says manufacturer Wow Wee on its website. It’s the perfect gift for little Rummy, Dicki, Condi, and Dubya. For a cool hundred dollars, you too (or your special someone) can have a robot designed by a NASA robotic physicist who worked on the Mars Rover.
Check it out: Robosapien is 14 inches tall, and he comes ready to perform, like, 67 pre-programmed functions, all at the push of a button on his “ergonomic” remote control. He walks, of course, but he walks with style. He talks, too, in a language his creators call “international ‘caveman’ speech”. Ok, he doesn’t exactly talk; he grunts…so he can be properly understood in, well, less civilized parts of the world – the ones we’d like to dominate.
Nonetheless, Robosapien is great to have around the house. Feeling lazy? He picks things up. Feeling violent? He does Kung-Fu. Feeling funky? He raps. Feeling rude? He belches. And, oh yes, he farts. Dominating the world can cause indigestion.
There’s no need to feel guilty about buying this precocious robot. Parenting magazines give Robosapien their enthusiastic seal of approval. Why not get it for you five-year-old? But then, why not get it for your husband, boyfriend, or your favorite fraternity-boy? After all, you can make Robosapien pick up your beer. Stave off that winter break boredom, for at least a little while: Voyeur Magazine says Robosapien is “sure to entertain for a few hours at least.” It’ll even clean up afterwards (check your manual for specifics). So why settle for something lame like a robot-dog when you can dominate the world with Robosapien?
If there’s one thing about terrorists that really irks me, it’s that they have no sense of style. They obviously never played with Barbie. Remember her? Well she’s back, this time with her very own cell phone. Barbie has voicemail! She’s perky as ever and ready to rock the toy box. There’s Kate Spade Barbie, sporting Kate Spade handbag, of course. There’s Barbie with capri pants, Barbie with camo jeans, Barbie with faux fur coat, Barbie with knee-highs and an oh-so-skimpy skirt, Barbie with an “Asian-like” print jacket (how multicultural!), and Barbie in Holiday get-up (Caucasian or African American, just to cover all the bases).
Fight the ultimate battle between good and evil with Lord of the Rings Collector’s Series action figures, featuring Birthday Bilbo and Coronation Arwen, not to mention “Gandalf the Grey with light up staff”, Treebeard “with branch lifting action”, and an armor-bedecked Pippin with “removable helmet and sword”, replete with the obligatory “sword slashing action”. But let’s not kid ourselves: what you really want is the “Deluxe Talking Gollum”. It has two “talk” buttons and two interchangeable heads, one for Gollum and one for Smeagol. Be honest with your inner selves: we wants it, we does!
Help reduce our dependence on fossil fuels: buy a Corvette C5 Power Vehicle with eco-friendly rechargeable battery. It’s supposed to be three-year-olds but you’ll fit; just squeeze yourself in and go. Pull into Haigis Mall with the top down and wave to all the cuties waiting for the B-43. For under $400 you can have that flaming red ‘vette you’ve lusted after since driver’s Ed. Be sure to allow extra travel time, though, as maximum cruising velocity is only 5 miles per hour.
Yes, there’s much to do, but as you can see, you can do a lot. This holiday season, do yourself a favor. Do your country a favor. Shut up and shop!
